Well, Jackie, how's two plus years off from blog posting feel? Sigh.
It's terribly sad, really. And I know I will regret it one day, not having all of Brody's updates to look back on. Heck, I already regret it! But it is what it is.
Actually, knowing me, I more than likely won't keep posting to this blog anyway, but I wanted to at least get Brynlee's birth story down before too much time passes and I forget any more details.
I owe her this.
So...here goes...
Dear Miss Brynlee,
On the day you were born...It was HOT! The kind of humid-hot only an Iowa summer can bring. The kind that when you walk outside at 6:45 AM you're already sweating. And that's just what we did, your dad and I. Brody had spent the night at Grandma and Papa's house the night before so we could head straight to the hospital in the morning. You see...we knew you were coming. Mommy had to be induced because you were a whole week overdue, and you were apparently in no hurry to come out on your own (lil' stinker). The day before your birthday mommy went to see Jenny, the midwife, and have some standard tests done. Everything checked out fine, and you were still healthy inside my belly. Jenny said I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced - which probably means nothing to you, but someday it will. :) The ultrasound, however, estimated that you were going to be 8 pounds 11 ounces at birth. Give or take a whole pound! That could have put you in the near 10 pound range! And considering your big brother was born at 8 pounds 14 ounces, I was convinced you were going to be HUGE! :) So mommy and Jenny said...let's get this baby out! We scheduled the induction for first thing the next morning.
I set the alarm for 6:00 AM on Thursday, July 18th 2013. I got up, took a quick shower and got dressed. Then I woke daddy up and he threw on some clothes, brushed his teeth, and made some coffee. We grabbed our bags and camera and headed out the door. Daddy took this picture of me in front of our hydrangea bush in the front yard (by the way, we had only lived in this house for a week!).
Then we jumped in the car, stopped by McDonald's for some breakfast (because mommy needed to eat!!), and drove to the hospital. After getting checked in, the nurse started the IV at 8:00 AM with the medicine to make mommy start having contractions, although it was a little while before I really started feeling anything. The midwife, Jenny, came in to visit around 9:00. Daddy left around 9:30 to run home and check on some things at the house since I was feeling ok and we lived so close to the hospital. I hung out for a while in the hospital room just checking Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc. on my phone before Grandma V came up to visit me around 10:30. I was having contractions during all this time, but not really feeling them very much. I think it was around 11:30 that daddy came back up to visit. And a little while later Grandma went home to watch cousins Owen and Nora for Aunt Mary.
All day the nurse was having a really hard time keeping the monitors on your heartbeat. You must have kept moving around because the monitors would be working and tracking everything fine one minute, but then the next minute it wouldn't read your heartbeat at all. At first I was scared that it was because your heart wasn't beating correctly...but then I learned it was just the way you were laying in my belly that made it hard for the monitors to pick up your heartbeat clearly. Jenny and the nurse actually thought you might be what they call "sunny side up", which means your face was up (facing my belly button) instead of down (facing my back). Jenny said that labor and delivery can be harder (and more painful) when a baby is sitting in this position, but that it wasn't anything to be worried or concerned about. They suggested that I try to get in the all-fours position to help encourage you to turn around. So I did this for a while, as well as sat on a birthing ball too. And it must have done the trick because Jenny said when you were born that you weren't "sunny side up" anymore. :)
A little while later, Jenny came in to check on me again and we talked about having her break my water depending on how dilated I was. She checked and said I was about 5-6 cm dilated! We were all pretty surprised and I was pleased to hear that because since I wasn't in much pain with the contractions, I thought they weren't really doing anything to make me progress. But they were!! So, around 1:30 PM, Jenny broke my water.
After that, things started to progress and I was really starting to feel the contractions. Around 3:00 they were getting pretty strong, so I decided to relax in the tub. I did this when I labored with Brody too, and it seemed to help progress labor and also helped take the edge off the contractions a bit. So I got in the tub around 3:15 and stayed in there about a half-hour or so. By the end of the 30 minutes I was REALLY feeling the contractions and told daddy and the nurse that I was ready for an epidural! :) So they helped me get out of the tub and called for the anesthesiologist. In the short 10 minutes or so that I waited for the anesthesiologist to get there, the pain got A LOT worse. In hindsight I should have asked Jenny to check and see how dilated I was because I'm thinking this is around the time I entered the final stages of labor before pushing...I'm sure I was probably 8, 9, or maybe even 10 cm by this point, based on my pain level. But at the time, all I was focused on was getting the epidural so I wouldn't feel any more pain. The anesthesiologist was a very very nice lady with long dark curly hair and a petite little body. She was so sweet and she even waited between contractions (which were about a 60-90 seconds apart at this time) to insert the needle in my back. Mommy was pretty grouchy by this point though...those contractions HURT! And I was desperate to get the whole epidural process over with so I could start to feel some relief. After the medicine was in me, the anesthesiologist hung around until she knew I was doing OK. Both she and Jenny told me it would only be another couple of contractions until I wouldn't (shouldn't) feel pain anymore. And I remember that was true for Brody's labor, as well. So, I not-so-patiently waited for the relief. I remember not being very nice to the anesthesiologist. I kept saying (in between contractions), "WHY DOES IT STILL HURT!?" and "SHOULDN'T THIS BE WORKING BY NOW?!". It seemed like every passing contraction was just as painful as the one before. Three painful contractions passed...Four...Five...OUCH OUCH OUCH...Six...Seven... What was going on!!?? Jenny and the anesthesiologist kept eyeing each other with knowing looks. I knew they were saying "she waited too long", but no one was actually saying anything to me other than, "should be anytime now". I knew something wasn't right, but I could only focus on the pain. Finally Jenny asked if I felt like I needed to push. I said No immediately, harshly. But then I took a second and realized...Yes! Yes I did feel like I needed to push! So I told her, "yes I think I do". Then it was like whoa! Yes, I need to push. Like NOW. Right now. Now now now. Jenny said, let's go! So, physically my body was ready. Mentally, I was not. "NO"! I said. "I am NOT pushing yet, I. STILL. FEEL. EVERY. THING!". I was thinking, there is NO way I am going to push a 10 pound baby for THREE hours with ZERO pain relief! (I pushed for three straight hours...to the minute...with Brody, so naturally, I figured I'd be doing the same thing with you). But Jenny gently leaned over to me and calmly said, "Honey, it's time to get this baby out. I'm sorry. But you will be fine! It's time to go.". I was so afraid. It was all happening so fast. I was ready, but not ready. I was in so much pain, but couldn't wait to meet you. Sad, happy. Terrified, exhilarated! So much was happening. In my head and in the room. Ok, I can do this, I thought. I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
Daddy grabbed my hand while everyone was bustling about the room.
It was 4:42 PM
It was go time!
I should mention that while this was all happening, daddy got this text from Grandma V. and replied by telling her to come back to the hospital now:
A few minutes into pushing, the door to our room abruptly opened. I immediately snapped "Who is that!?". It was the pediatric nurse...for you. Silly mommy. I was worried that someone was coming in to visit me, not knowing I was...ahem...as "exposed" as I was at the time. Jenny laughed at mommy for overreacting, and Daddy said "Jeez!". It was all just kind of funny. But I still feel a little bad that I was being so rude. :) But the pain! Oh, the pain.
Anyway, the next few minutes went by in the blink of an eye. I remember some more pain, but not the same kind of pain I was just having just moments before. After a couple of pushes, Jenny told me she could see your head. She asked if I wanted to feel you. If she had asked me at any other point leading up to this, I would have said no in a heartbeat. Because...well...it's just kinda gross. But I didn't really think twice about it. I looked at daddy, he gave me a shrug like "go ahead". So I reached down and touched your head with my fingertips. I'm not gonna lie, babe. It was gross. I think I even said, "Ew, it's so groddy!". But I'm still happy I did it. You will understand someday when you have babies of your own. "Miracle" is so SO true about what is happening in those moments.
...a few minutes later, a few pushes later, at 4:55 PM, Jenny said "Open your eyes, mommy. See what you had!".
I did.
It was a girl.
You were here.
You were pink.
And slimy.
And beautiful.
And perfect.
I had a daughter.
A daughter!
I had a boy and a girl.
It was overwhelming. And exciting. And simply amazing.
Jenny laid you on a towel on my chest. You were so warm. I will never forget that warmth. You were crying at first. But almost immediately after you were laid on me, you were soothed.
I remember that.
A calm rushed over you. And a calm rushed over me.
Daddy smiled and said you were beautiful.
You were, my dear. You ARE, my dear.
After a few more moments of the nurses cleaning you, wiping you up, suctioning you out, and doing all sorts of things I hardly remember because I could only stare at your tiny perfect little face, Jenny asked if mommy wanted to cut your cord. (I did this for Brody too). Of course I did!
Then it was time for you to be weighed and measured. 7 pounds and 7 ounces. 19 1/2 inches long.
Then it was time for your first bath...which you did NOT enjoy. :)
Then Daddy left the room to go see if Grandma had made it to the hospital yet. She was just coming up the elevator. Here is a little video of the next few moments:
(I pushed for 13 minutes, actually, not 8...but who's counting?) ;)
Daddy came back into the room a little while later with Grandma V.
You still didn't have a name yet, so we talked very quickly about some options we had previously come up with. Some of our first thoughts were: Brooklyn Leigh, Rae Kathleen, and Mila Kathleen. We wanted to name you before you met your big brother. And Daddy was leaving soon to go pick him up from Papa and Grandma's house. But, none of those names seemed right somehow. I loved them all, but they just didn't seem right. So daddy left, still not knowing your name.
Mommy got to cuddle you for a while by myself while Daddy was gone. During that time, it hit me. Brynlee! Brynlee Rae. Brynn was always a name I liked, but we didn't LOVE it. So it didn't make the first cut. But Lee...well, to carry on the tradition, of course. And Rae, because we loved that name and even considered it for a first name for you. And bonus that it is your Auntie Rachel's nickname. So mommy pieced together the name Brynlee Rae. And I loved it. Not as much thought went into it as I just made it sound, I swear. It truly just came to me while kissing your head and staring at your face. Brynlee Rae. I thought it was beautiful and perfect. So I called up daddy and said..."What about Brynlee Rae"? Daddy said..."I like it"! I said, "Is that it? Is that her name"? It was! And that is how you were named, my dear. We didn't know how we were going to spell it yet, but we knew that would be your name.
Well, I suppose that is the end of your birth story. I hope to post the next chapter soon. Where you get to meet Brody and come home to your new house!
But, in case I don't get to chapter 2, know this, Miss Brynlee Rae. You. Are. LOVED. So, so, so loved. And I hope you never go a day not feeling that love. I may not be very good about posting updates, like I did with Brody's first year. And I may not take as many pictures. Or record your monthly stats and milestones. But it doesn't mean I don't FEEL you in my heart just as much. You make me smile every day. You are such a special gift to me. A daughter I never realized I wanted so much until you were here. You have changed my life. You are special, my dear. I don't think I could love you any more. But I will try, until my dying day, to never let you feel anything less.
It's terribly sad, really. And I know I will regret it one day, not having all of Brody's updates to look back on. Heck, I already regret it! But it is what it is.
Actually, knowing me, I more than likely won't keep posting to this blog anyway, but I wanted to at least get Brynlee's birth story down before too much time passes and I forget any more details.
I owe her this.
So...here goes...
Dear Miss Brynlee,
On the day you were born...It was HOT! The kind of humid-hot only an Iowa summer can bring. The kind that when you walk outside at 6:45 AM you're already sweating. And that's just what we did, your dad and I. Brody had spent the night at Grandma and Papa's house the night before so we could head straight to the hospital in the morning. You see...we knew you were coming. Mommy had to be induced because you were a whole week overdue, and you were apparently in no hurry to come out on your own (lil' stinker). The day before your birthday mommy went to see Jenny, the midwife, and have some standard tests done. Everything checked out fine, and you were still healthy inside my belly. Jenny said I was 3 cm dilated and 75% effaced - which probably means nothing to you, but someday it will. :) The ultrasound, however, estimated that you were going to be 8 pounds 11 ounces at birth. Give or take a whole pound! That could have put you in the near 10 pound range! And considering your big brother was born at 8 pounds 14 ounces, I was convinced you were going to be HUGE! :) So mommy and Jenny said...let's get this baby out! We scheduled the induction for first thing the next morning.
I set the alarm for 6:00 AM on Thursday, July 18th 2013. I got up, took a quick shower and got dressed. Then I woke daddy up and he threw on some clothes, brushed his teeth, and made some coffee. We grabbed our bags and camera and headed out the door. Daddy took this picture of me in front of our hydrangea bush in the front yard (by the way, we had only lived in this house for a week!).
Then we jumped in the car, stopped by McDonald's for some breakfast (because mommy needed to eat!!), and drove to the hospital. After getting checked in, the nurse started the IV at 8:00 AM with the medicine to make mommy start having contractions, although it was a little while before I really started feeling anything. The midwife, Jenny, came in to visit around 9:00. Daddy left around 9:30 to run home and check on some things at the house since I was feeling ok and we lived so close to the hospital. I hung out for a while in the hospital room just checking Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, etc. on my phone before Grandma V came up to visit me around 10:30. I was having contractions during all this time, but not really feeling them very much. I think it was around 11:30 that daddy came back up to visit. And a little while later Grandma went home to watch cousins Owen and Nora for Aunt Mary.
All day the nurse was having a really hard time keeping the monitors on your heartbeat. You must have kept moving around because the monitors would be working and tracking everything fine one minute, but then the next minute it wouldn't read your heartbeat at all. At first I was scared that it was because your heart wasn't beating correctly...but then I learned it was just the way you were laying in my belly that made it hard for the monitors to pick up your heartbeat clearly. Jenny and the nurse actually thought you might be what they call "sunny side up", which means your face was up (facing my belly button) instead of down (facing my back). Jenny said that labor and delivery can be harder (and more painful) when a baby is sitting in this position, but that it wasn't anything to be worried or concerned about. They suggested that I try to get in the all-fours position to help encourage you to turn around. So I did this for a while, as well as sat on a birthing ball too. And it must have done the trick because Jenny said when you were born that you weren't "sunny side up" anymore. :)
A little while later, Jenny came in to check on me again and we talked about having her break my water depending on how dilated I was. She checked and said I was about 5-6 cm dilated! We were all pretty surprised and I was pleased to hear that because since I wasn't in much pain with the contractions, I thought they weren't really doing anything to make me progress. But they were!! So, around 1:30 PM, Jenny broke my water.
After that, things started to progress and I was really starting to feel the contractions. Around 3:00 they were getting pretty strong, so I decided to relax in the tub. I did this when I labored with Brody too, and it seemed to help progress labor and also helped take the edge off the contractions a bit. So I got in the tub around 3:15 and stayed in there about a half-hour or so. By the end of the 30 minutes I was REALLY feeling the contractions and told daddy and the nurse that I was ready for an epidural! :) So they helped me get out of the tub and called for the anesthesiologist. In the short 10 minutes or so that I waited for the anesthesiologist to get there, the pain got A LOT worse. In hindsight I should have asked Jenny to check and see how dilated I was because I'm thinking this is around the time I entered the final stages of labor before pushing...I'm sure I was probably 8, 9, or maybe even 10 cm by this point, based on my pain level. But at the time, all I was focused on was getting the epidural so I wouldn't feel any more pain. The anesthesiologist was a very very nice lady with long dark curly hair and a petite little body. She was so sweet and she even waited between contractions (which were about a 60-90 seconds apart at this time) to insert the needle in my back. Mommy was pretty grouchy by this point though...those contractions HURT! And I was desperate to get the whole epidural process over with so I could start to feel some relief. After the medicine was in me, the anesthesiologist hung around until she knew I was doing OK. Both she and Jenny told me it would only be another couple of contractions until I wouldn't (shouldn't) feel pain anymore. And I remember that was true for Brody's labor, as well. So, I not-so-patiently waited for the relief. I remember not being very nice to the anesthesiologist. I kept saying (in between contractions), "WHY DOES IT STILL HURT!?" and "SHOULDN'T THIS BE WORKING BY NOW?!". It seemed like every passing contraction was just as painful as the one before. Three painful contractions passed...Four...Five...OUCH OUCH OUCH...Six...Seven... What was going on!!?? Jenny and the anesthesiologist kept eyeing each other with knowing looks. I knew they were saying "she waited too long", but no one was actually saying anything to me other than, "should be anytime now". I knew something wasn't right, but I could only focus on the pain. Finally Jenny asked if I felt like I needed to push. I said No immediately, harshly. But then I took a second and realized...Yes! Yes I did feel like I needed to push! So I told her, "yes I think I do". Then it was like whoa! Yes, I need to push. Like NOW. Right now. Now now now. Jenny said, let's go! So, physically my body was ready. Mentally, I was not. "NO"! I said. "I am NOT pushing yet, I. STILL. FEEL. EVERY. THING!". I was thinking, there is NO way I am going to push a 10 pound baby for THREE hours with ZERO pain relief! (I pushed for three straight hours...to the minute...with Brody, so naturally, I figured I'd be doing the same thing with you). But Jenny gently leaned over to me and calmly said, "Honey, it's time to get this baby out. I'm sorry. But you will be fine! It's time to go.". I was so afraid. It was all happening so fast. I was ready, but not ready. I was in so much pain, but couldn't wait to meet you. Sad, happy. Terrified, exhilarated! So much was happening. In my head and in the room. Ok, I can do this, I thought. I can do this.
I. Can. Do. This.
Daddy grabbed my hand while everyone was bustling about the room.
It was 4:42 PM
It was go time!
I should mention that while this was all happening, daddy got this text from Grandma V. and replied by telling her to come back to the hospital now:
A few minutes into pushing, the door to our room abruptly opened. I immediately snapped "Who is that!?". It was the pediatric nurse...for you. Silly mommy. I was worried that someone was coming in to visit me, not knowing I was...ahem...as "exposed" as I was at the time. Jenny laughed at mommy for overreacting, and Daddy said "Jeez!". It was all just kind of funny. But I still feel a little bad that I was being so rude. :) But the pain! Oh, the pain.
Anyway, the next few minutes went by in the blink of an eye. I remember some more pain, but not the same kind of pain I was just having just moments before. After a couple of pushes, Jenny told me she could see your head. She asked if I wanted to feel you. If she had asked me at any other point leading up to this, I would have said no in a heartbeat. Because...well...it's just kinda gross. But I didn't really think twice about it. I looked at daddy, he gave me a shrug like "go ahead". So I reached down and touched your head with my fingertips. I'm not gonna lie, babe. It was gross. I think I even said, "Ew, it's so groddy!". But I'm still happy I did it. You will understand someday when you have babies of your own. "Miracle" is so SO true about what is happening in those moments.
...a few minutes later, a few pushes later, at 4:55 PM, Jenny said "Open your eyes, mommy. See what you had!".
I did.
It was a girl.
You were here.
You were pink.
And slimy.
And beautiful.
And perfect.
I had a daughter.
A daughter!
I had a boy and a girl.
It was overwhelming. And exciting. And simply amazing.
Jenny laid you on a towel on my chest. You were so warm. I will never forget that warmth. You were crying at first. But almost immediately after you were laid on me, you were soothed.
I remember that.
A calm rushed over you. And a calm rushed over me.
Daddy smiled and said you were beautiful.
You were, my dear. You ARE, my dear.
After a few more moments of the nurses cleaning you, wiping you up, suctioning you out, and doing all sorts of things I hardly remember because I could only stare at your tiny perfect little face, Jenny asked if mommy wanted to cut your cord. (I did this for Brody too). Of course I did!
Then it was time for you to be weighed and measured. 7 pounds and 7 ounces. 19 1/2 inches long.
Then it was time for your first bath...which you did NOT enjoy. :)
Then Daddy left the room to go see if Grandma had made it to the hospital yet. She was just coming up the elevator. Here is a little video of the next few moments:
(I pushed for 13 minutes, actually, not 8...but who's counting?) ;)
Daddy came back into the room a little while later with Grandma V.
You still didn't have a name yet, so we talked very quickly about some options we had previously come up with. Some of our first thoughts were: Brooklyn Leigh, Rae Kathleen, and Mila Kathleen. We wanted to name you before you met your big brother. And Daddy was leaving soon to go pick him up from Papa and Grandma's house. But, none of those names seemed right somehow. I loved them all, but they just didn't seem right. So daddy left, still not knowing your name.
Mommy got to cuddle you for a while by myself while Daddy was gone. During that time, it hit me. Brynlee! Brynlee Rae. Brynn was always a name I liked, but we didn't LOVE it. So it didn't make the first cut. But Lee...well, to carry on the tradition, of course. And Rae, because we loved that name and even considered it for a first name for you. And bonus that it is your Auntie Rachel's nickname. So mommy pieced together the name Brynlee Rae. And I loved it. Not as much thought went into it as I just made it sound, I swear. It truly just came to me while kissing your head and staring at your face. Brynlee Rae. I thought it was beautiful and perfect. So I called up daddy and said..."What about Brynlee Rae"? Daddy said..."I like it"! I said, "Is that it? Is that her name"? It was! And that is how you were named, my dear. We didn't know how we were going to spell it yet, but we knew that would be your name.
Well, I suppose that is the end of your birth story. I hope to post the next chapter soon. Where you get to meet Brody and come home to your new house!
But, in case I don't get to chapter 2, know this, Miss Brynlee Rae. You. Are. LOVED. So, so, so loved. And I hope you never go a day not feeling that love. I may not be very good about posting updates, like I did with Brody's first year. And I may not take as many pictures. Or record your monthly stats and milestones. But it doesn't mean I don't FEEL you in my heart just as much. You make me smile every day. You are such a special gift to me. A daughter I never realized I wanted so much until you were here. You have changed my life. You are special, my dear. I don't think I could love you any more. But I will try, until my dying day, to never let you feel anything less.
