I knew this day would come. I had been warned about it. I was fully aware it would happen. But it still feels like someone reached down my throat, pulled my heart out, squished it in their fist, threw it on the ground, and stomped all over it. (sorry...I'm a bit of a drama queen tonight).
Remember how saddened I was when this happened? (I'll spare you the link back, if you don't feel like clicking...it's when Brody wouldn't smile at me when I picked him up from daycare). I look at that post and think... Psssst! What I wouldn't give for that day!
Because this is worse.
WAY worse.
Alright, alright, already. What happened, you ask?
Brody cried when I picked him up today. Scratch that. Screamed! Whaled. Threw a down-right FIT! Face red. Hyperventilate cry. TEARS! All because he didn't want to see me. Didn't want to go home with me. Didn't want to leave Pam's.
Didn't want to be in his mommas arms.
And like I said before. I had been warned that this would happen. By friends. Family. Pam. Heck...Brody has even given me a warning of sorts. He's been....fussy the last few times I have picked him up. Not wanting to leave. But never to this extent. He has been very attached to Pam lately. Even her kids, Kyle and Karter, have been given the cold shoulder from Brody lately. And even her husband Scott...whom is one of Brody's best buddies...has been pouted at. He is just very clingy to Pam...
And so my head and my heart begin the tug-of-war battle again. My head tells me this is perfectly natural. He spends all day with Pam. And he is OBVIOUSLY loved very much by her, which is why he doesn't want to leave her. What more could I ask for in the woman we partner with to care for our sweet sweet boy?
But then my heart.... You know the one? The one that is currently dying a slow death after being beaten and bludgeoned on the floor? Yah, that one. It hurts. It hurts bad. For one, that is NOT my child. My child doesn't cry like that (except when he's sick, apparently). My child doesn't shun anyone away! Why on earth would he do that to me? Who took my Brody and replaced him with this stranger? And I'm embarrassed. Two other moms got to whiteness Brody's melt-down today. And I can only image the thoughts running through their head. Jeez! Wonder what is so horrible at Brody's home, that he is throwing such a fit to go there. (remember, I warned you that I was a drama queen tonight). Or maybe they were thinking. Jeez! What a bratty little baby!
I let Pam change his diaper (and joked that she had to do it since he didn't want me), but really, I just didn't want to be sitting there changing his diaper while he was screaming for Pam the whole time. So, I let her do it ("let"..haha!), let her hold him for a bit while we chatted. Then I grabbed him and bolted for the door. And Pam called out as I was leaving that he'd be fine as soon as I got him in the car. Well, he wasn't. He actually cried the whole way home. And even a little for a while once we were home. I tried to console him. Give him snuggles and kisses galore. But he didn't want that. He wanted Pam.
It got better after a while and he was fine later on, but I can't shake the guilt and pain I am feeling. And how horrible am I that I am totally JEALOUS of Pam. Brody doesn't act that way towards me. He doesn't cry when I leave the room. He doesn't pout when I'm not in sight. He doesn't reach for me when he's in someone else's arms. And I shake it off. It's just a "phase", I tell myself. But I can't help ask myself...why? Why doesn't Brody want to be clingy to me? I'm his momma. I love him more than anyone else. He is my world. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I dream of at night. I close my eyes and long for him during my days away from him. And I gaze at his pictures every chance I get. He is everything to me and I would do anything for him. Why doesn't he love me as much as I love him?
I know. I am crazy. Even as I sit here wiping tears off my cheek I think, SHUT UP! You are such a brat. He's 11 months old. He knows you love him and he loves you. He does. Get over it.
So I will. But tonight I'm sad. Right now I'm blue. So, my bloggy friends. You get to hear my whine for a bit. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow I know I'll feel much better. I always do. So, in case I don't post an update about this...just know that I'm certain things will be brighter tomorrow. I'll scrape what's left of my heart off the floor and somehow fit it back into my chest where it belongs. And I'll be fine...
Until it happens again tomorrow....
Here's a cute pic of Brody to make us all feel better:
Remember how saddened I was when this happened? (I'll spare you the link back, if you don't feel like clicking...it's when Brody wouldn't smile at me when I picked him up from daycare). I look at that post and think... Psssst! What I wouldn't give for that day!
Because this is worse.
WAY worse.
Alright, alright, already. What happened, you ask?
Brody cried when I picked him up today. Scratch that. Screamed! Whaled. Threw a down-right FIT! Face red. Hyperventilate cry. TEARS! All because he didn't want to see me. Didn't want to go home with me. Didn't want to leave Pam's.
Didn't want to be in his mommas arms.
And like I said before. I had been warned that this would happen. By friends. Family. Pam. Heck...Brody has even given me a warning of sorts. He's been....fussy the last few times I have picked him up. Not wanting to leave. But never to this extent. He has been very attached to Pam lately. Even her kids, Kyle and Karter, have been given the cold shoulder from Brody lately. And even her husband Scott...whom is one of Brody's best buddies...has been pouted at. He is just very clingy to Pam...
And so my head and my heart begin the tug-of-war battle again. My head tells me this is perfectly natural. He spends all day with Pam. And he is OBVIOUSLY loved very much by her, which is why he doesn't want to leave her. What more could I ask for in the woman we partner with to care for our sweet sweet boy?
But then my heart.... You know the one? The one that is currently dying a slow death after being beaten and bludgeoned on the floor? Yah, that one. It hurts. It hurts bad. For one, that is NOT my child. My child doesn't cry like that (except when he's sick, apparently). My child doesn't shun anyone away! Why on earth would he do that to me? Who took my Brody and replaced him with this stranger? And I'm embarrassed. Two other moms got to whiteness Brody's melt-down today. And I can only image the thoughts running through their head. Jeez! Wonder what is so horrible at Brody's home, that he is throwing such a fit to go there. (remember, I warned you that I was a drama queen tonight). Or maybe they were thinking. Jeez! What a bratty little baby!
I let Pam change his diaper (and joked that she had to do it since he didn't want me), but really, I just didn't want to be sitting there changing his diaper while he was screaming for Pam the whole time. So, I let her do it ("let"..haha!), let her hold him for a bit while we chatted. Then I grabbed him and bolted for the door. And Pam called out as I was leaving that he'd be fine as soon as I got him in the car. Well, he wasn't. He actually cried the whole way home. And even a little for a while once we were home. I tried to console him. Give him snuggles and kisses galore. But he didn't want that. He wanted Pam.
It got better after a while and he was fine later on, but I can't shake the guilt and pain I am feeling. And how horrible am I that I am totally JEALOUS of Pam. Brody doesn't act that way towards me. He doesn't cry when I leave the room. He doesn't pout when I'm not in sight. He doesn't reach for me when he's in someone else's arms. And I shake it off. It's just a "phase", I tell myself. But I can't help ask myself...why? Why doesn't Brody want to be clingy to me? I'm his momma. I love him more than anyone else. He is my world. He's the first thing I think of in the morning and the last thing I dream of at night. I close my eyes and long for him during my days away from him. And I gaze at his pictures every chance I get. He is everything to me and I would do anything for him. Why doesn't he love me as much as I love him?
I know. I am crazy. Even as I sit here wiping tears off my cheek I think, SHUT UP! You are such a brat. He's 11 months old. He knows you love him and he loves you. He does. Get over it.
So I will. But tonight I'm sad. Right now I'm blue. So, my bloggy friends. You get to hear my whine for a bit. Thanks for listening. Tomorrow I know I'll feel much better. I always do. So, in case I don't post an update about this...just know that I'm certain things will be brighter tomorrow. I'll scrape what's left of my heart off the floor and somehow fit it back into my chest where it belongs. And I'll be fine...
Until it happens again tomorrow....
Here's a cute pic of Brody to make us all feel better:
Oh, Jack. This makes me cry, too. Of course Brody loves you! And as he gets older, he will be able to show you more and more just how much he loves you. I think what you are going through is probably totally normal. Just keep doing what you're doing...you're a fantastic momma to that precious boy...the rest of us know it for sure!!!
ReplyDeletegrrrrrr - that little stinker!! what's he doing making his mamma so sad?! :) i agree with mary - he does love you so much though!! and he knows how much you love him too. and he knows how much he needs you. he doesn't know he's making you sad - and he is also getting lots of love at pam's too (obviously) - and that's a good thing. it does break my heart to hear how upset you are though. i can never know your pain - but i am sure it doesn't feel good to go through this. but you have a lot of good points here - and you know that it won't last. but, you know what, sometimes you just have to let yourself get upset/mad/sad/disappointed about things like this when then happen. and that is alright! love you soooooo much :)
ReplyDeleteHi, Jackie, it's Amanda here. I just wanted to let you know that what you're feeling is totally normal. I remember when Will stopped wanting me to kiss him, or when I'd ask for a kiss or hug, he'd shake his head no and run away. And I said something to my mom about it, and her response was that because he is so totally secure in my love for him, so absolutely sure that I love him, he feels free to be honest in his responses. He's not worried about winning my love - he already knows that he has it - so he is free and confident that he can be honest in expressing his feelings, and I'll still love him (which, of course I will). But it also means that, if he doesn't feel like giving me a kiss, I'm not getting a kiss, haha! I'm not sure if this totally applies to your situation, but Brody clearly knows that he can express himself honestly in front of you, because he knows that you love him and will continue to love him, even if he's mad about leaving Pam. (Also, this is a phase, and cuddly Brody will return in a few months. Cuddly Will comes and goes, I've noticed, depending on the phase. Hang in there!)
ReplyDelete